Britney Hirras
Published: August 23, 2005
As another semester starts, even the most cynical critics of the happiest supermarket in the world run to one place for their one-stop shopping needs: Wal-Mart.
Let’s face it: Wal-Mart is there for students even when their own friends and family aren’t. Who other than the friendly people at Wal-Mart will help students find those essential DVD’s to watch so they don’t have to read the books their literature professors assign them? Who else do they run to when the semester starts and they don’t want to purchase expensive school supply essentials, such as enough pens to fill an oil tanker, from the campus bookstore?
If only college were so simple and so sensitive to our needs. Even those who see Wal-Mart as a capitalistic menace to the entire free world must agree on one thing:college would be awesome if Wal-Mart took over.
Let’s say, by an amazing stroke of luck, PJC was taken over by the Walton family in an experiment on their way to taking over the world. If PJC were run like Wal-Mart, there would be sales. At Wal-Mart, if an item isn’t selling well, it’s marked down to 50 percent off.
The same should hold true for classes. Let’s say biology class isn’t exactly “selling” well at PJC. The college would immediately put out some sort of a sale on the class to draw more students to it; two for the price of one would entice students to take two semesters of biology and only have to pay for one. That way the biology class would again be full of students and students’ pockets would certainly benefit as well. Just think of the possibilities.
In the Wal-Mart world, the customer is always right. If a student didn’t like his or her GPA, they would only have to report it to the ever-helpful management and voila!, a more satisfactory GPA would be provided. If a student didn’t particularly enjoy his or her calculus class, the PJC college board, always eager to keep the student satisfied, would grant the student a full refund- no questions asked.
Not to mention class time. The professors would have to wear those blue smiley uniforms. And, if a student didn’t particularly agree with a statement the professor made, he or she could simply remind the professor that the student is always right.
Of course, in this light, if colleges were run like Wal-Mart, most professors would quit, but like the always-improvising supermarket, PJC could hire highly underpaid citizens of Third World countries to do the heavy labor of teaching.
If only college were like Wal-Mart… the screaming children, hour-long checkout lines and hectic parking lots might even be worth it. Board meeting, anyone?