Michael Rutschky
Published: March 29, 2006
This semester PJC has finally decided to take action against a problem that has cursed the campus since the college’s inception. Last week PJC administration called upon famed Cryptozoologist Wes Lowery, host of the public access nature show “The Mississippi Kid,” to assist in the removal of the aquatic monstrosity that has inhabited the campus pool for several decades.
How the monster got here is still a mystery, but Lowery was willing to provide a theory that he believes to be the most plausible explanation.
“My theory.god you have the most gorgeous teeth. my theory is that the monster disguised herself as a supple young maiden and seduced the captain of the Israeli pirates that discovered PJC. The monster lived a double life as the captain’s mistress for 19 years until the pirates landed in Pensacola. At that point. no don’t stop smiling. that’s good. at that point the fickle sea monster fled to what is now the campus pool, tearing the captain’s heart to pieces.”
Recently the monster has been running throughout the campus, leaving female victims in the hospital, and male victims confused and insecure. However, when we at the Corsair decided to investigate the pool, we were surprised to find it devoid of any kind of monster.
“Yeah, you’ll only see it when it comes to feed or mate,” explains Lowery. “Well, definitely mate. I haven’t really tried to feed it yet.”
Lowery has been hosting his show, “The Mississippi Kid” for the last seven weeks. He considers himself to be one of the foremost authorities on creatures that aren’t real. As many viewers of the popular show will recall, Lowery liked to venture into areas of his grandpa’s backyard with his wife, Brandon, in tow.
We tried to ask Brandon what she thought of the creature, but throughout the interview she would only respond with a puzzled “You call this a house?”
When asked what methods are being employed to capture the creature, Lowery revealed an age old technique used by many cryptozoologists.
“Yeah, we um..,” Lowery said, “I don’t. I guess shoot it?”
Although the attacks throughout the campus show no signs of decreasing in either frequency or ferocity, one thing is for certain: the attacks throughout campus show ABSOLUTELY no signs of decreasing in either frequency or ferocity. On a lighter note, as part of a cryptozoological tradition, Lowery has decided upon an affectionate, yet completely irrational name for the monster.
“We call it ‘the Aristocrat’,” he said.
