Toady Worm
Published: February 4 2004
Toady, my boyfriend continues to purchase body-enhancing products off the Internet. He is self-conscious about certain parts of his body. I have explained to him that I don’t care about his size. I love him for who he is, but he thinks I am just being nice. He has spent hundreds of dollars on pills and weird looking contraptions. Now, he has a 30-minute stretching ritual that he goes through before we have sex. Enough is enough. Where is the romance?
Unfortunately, there was a time in my life when I was similarly obsessed. But in my day, body-enhancing technology was still just an idea. We had to take matters into our own hands (if you know what I mean).
Sadly, my efforts worked too well. I am now a freak of nature. I had to learn the hard way that size is what you make it. I am now against anyone altering his or her body. Use what the good Lord gave you. While we are on the subject, I am also against breast implants. My eyes have seen the glory.
If your boyfriend needs more proof that what he is doing is against all that’s good in this world and wants to see what happens when science becomes a grotesque display, tell him to look me up.
My girlfriend is so patriotic. She leaves me notes with patriotic references all over the house and car saying things like “God Bless America,” “I pledge allegiance to you” or “I’m proud to be an American.” She once even asked me to recite the “Preamble to the Constitution.” I am all for patriotism, but why can’t I get normal notes like my friends do. And as far as memorizing historical documents…who has time for that? Help me, Toady Worm.
It’s okay to be patriotic. I am also patriotic. I am a veteran of the sexual revolution in the 1960s. Tell Betsy Ross that you appreciate the notes and if the Preamble isn’t enough, you will perform an entire “State of the Union” address. After your speech, you can take questions from the international press.