Melissa Brown
Published: March 29, 2006
An unnamed English instructor reported apparent illegal activities on the Pensacola campus Monday evening. PJC Police Officer Michael Jackson stated the instructor called campus police at 4:27 p.m. concerned about noises in the azaleas outside her office window. The following is a transcript of the call.
PJC Police: “Campus Police, this is Officer Jackson.”
English Department: “Hi, I’m over in the Allen Liberal Arts Building and, well, I keep hearing strange noises outside my office window.”
PJC Police: “Exactly what kind of noises are you hearing, ma’am?”
English Department: “Well, I keep hearing leaves rustle, like someone’s walking around in a circle, but when I look outside, there’s nobody there.”
PJC Police: “Not to be rude, ma’am, but it has been a windy spring and the leaves are still falling; do you think maybe-”
English Department: “Excuse, me, sir, but I think I can tell the difference between leaves falling and some Communist outside my window.”
PJC Police: “Communist, ma’am?!”
English Department: “Yes, Communist. You didn’t let me finish before. After the rustling I heard several faint voices crying ‘Mao,’ over and over. It was dreadfully eerie. You know those Communists have been trying to infiltrate the campus with their anti-American, ‘free the working class’ ways.”
PJC Police: “..um, .okay, ma’am..”
English Department: “Just send someone over here immediately! I still have 13 essays to grade, and I can’t concentrate with that Communist racket outside my window!”
Officer Jackson’s careful investigation revealed four suspects: a young calico feline and her fresh litter of three kittens.
The English instructor demanded the cats be arrested for illegal Communist activities; Officer Jackson promptly removed the cats from the premises and alerted the psychiatric department at neighboring Sacred Heart Hospital.
Unfortunately, Officer Jackson acted preemptively. During his removal of the felines, the unassuming mama led her kittens in a rowdy attack, all the while screeching “Mao! Mao! Catstro! Catstro!” The assault left the officer with permanent scars on his face, head, neck, back, chest, arms, hands, and thighs.
An extensive evaluation by Sacred Heart’s top psychologists revealed no paranoid tendencies in the English instructor.
The cats escaped untouched. Witnesses claim the foursome was seen darting into azalea bushes following known Communist Cat Fidel Catro.