Published: January 9, 2006
Did all of you chumps have a nice break from school? Gorge yourselves on turkey, stuffing, and throw presents at each other?
Yeah, I did the same thing. Still, since I am poor and Husband doesn’t want to buy a tree or anything festive, I depend on other people to have holidays for me.
GIFTS FOR ME? OH, YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE! I say. Really, they should have though, because I need more than two pairs of jeans that weren’t ripped to hell and back.
Anyway. I have a huge surprise for all of you. What would I never, ever buy? Ever (besides an mp3 player, you hipster jerks)?
A PUPPY. Yes, I bought myself a puppy for Christmas. Why? Because you can put it in a SWEATER, that’s why. You cannot put a beret on a cat and make it wear a scarf, nor can you make it fetch a ball and be your best friend forever. I know, I know, you are all shocked. Mrs. Mia Wallace and Mr. Puffin are the best cats in the world, but they are cats that do not go into HATS. After purchasing said puppy, instead of naming it, I promptly went out and bought her a purple collar and leash, and then a large knit cap.
YOU WILL BE MY BEST FRIEND! I told the dog, AND IF YOU ARE NOT, I’LL JUST TAKE YOU BACK! I forced the small dog into the small hat and proceeded to take her on a stroll around the neighborhood. Everyone admired the dog, and then admired me for having such a cute accessory. SHE IS THE BEST, I told them all, and then went back inside.
If I did not mention it before, I have never owned a dog. I did not understand that it didn’t use a litterbox, could not eat without making a mess, and refused to let me sleep because it had to poo. Husband was more than excited, and did all of the things I probably should have done. He named her Yosha, took her for extended walks, and taught her to tinkle outdoors. I stood by and watched and smoked.
Is this dog ownership? I thought all you had to do was LOOK FANCY and maybe hurl some food at it once in a while! There was no way in hell I was going to wake up at 8am over Christmas break to take it outside! I demand to sleep until 12 and then go play Animal Crossing on my Nintendo DS! I had no clue having a puppy was such a huge responsibility.
LOOK, I said to the dog, after she had barked one too many times and I was busy paying off a loan in video game-land, YOU SHUT UP. MOMMY IS TRYING TO DO SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT, AND YOU’RE GETTING IN MY WAY!
Yap yap! Woof!
Then there was poo on the rug.
For a week, the fact that I was a spoiled brat began to catch up with me. Scrubbing the rug, teaching Yosha to sit and speak and lie down, waking up at all hours of the night to shuttle the dog up and down the apartment steps. I was in tears. All I wanted was 13 hours of uninterrupted video game time and a sandwich! But NOOOOOO, I could not take the dog back, because my husband is madly in love with it and I should probably stop being so spoiled.
Now Yosha is part of the family. She chases the cats, chews holes in everything, and makes the entire apartment smell like a kennel. Also she is a labrador. We like her and she likes us, and she lets me dress her up totally RIDICULOUS and it’s great. I make Husband do everything that is hard and then I just scratch her puppy ears.
OKAY! I told Husband, WE HAVE HAD THE PUPPY FOR THREE WEEKS, SO NOW IT IS TIME!
“Huh? Time for what?”
A BABY.