Published: March 29, 2006
It is 2 a.m., March 29, and I have just broken into the Corsair office in Building 4 of the Pensacola Campus. The staff left about half an hour ago, production having been finished on today’s issue of the paper. Or so they thought.
I, renegade opinion columnist extraordinaire, have opened the file and erased the opinion column slated to fill this spot. Don’t worry, it was very boring – some of the same old quasi-inflammatory drivel that the Corsair passes off as “the voice of the student body.”
Hah. Yet another baseless pretense. For those of you who haven’t clued in yet, the Corsair has no journalistic integrity. These people will print anything, founded or unfounded, if they think it will boost readership.
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. The Corsair is a hotbed of intrigue and potential scandal. Corruption reigns from the upper echelons to the lowest levels, the “droogs” of journalism if you will:
Thom Botsford, Head of the Journalism and Communications Department: Botsford is a devious, grasping dictator, bent on garnering as many awards for the paper as possible no matter what the cost. So there’s never any question of administrative approval, because nine out of 10 times, the administration has put them up to printing whatever nonsense is in question.
Chris Drain, Adviser: Chris, who insists that the staff call her “Miss Chris”, queens it around the office. She treats it like her own private resort – she’s always blogging and chatting on the computers when she should be assisting the staff, and using the paper’s funds for expensive lunches and spa treatments.
Brandi Snodgrass, Editor in Chief: Beneath Brandi’s stylish, conservative veneer lurks a man-hating “feminazi”, to borrow Limbaugh’s term. Brandi treats the male staff members abominably, giving them the worst article assignments and forcing them to clean the office. Why do you think the Corsair’s top staff is all-female?
Moria Dailey, News Editor: Moria is an anti-establishment punk bent on taking over the Corsair. She has her own brand of “ethics,” which apparently don’t censure down-right plagiarism. Moria has been known to take the best articles from other writers, work them over a bit, and publish them with her name on them. She slants the news section to reflect her own leftist agenda, and this author suspects (admittedly, without hard evidence) that she is also in league with a Colombian drug cartel.
Corey Reese, Sports Editor: Sure, Corey covers every game, but that’s only because he’s involved in a college sports betting scam. Gambling is still illegal in Florida, Corey.
Zeke Hazewinkel, Multimedia Director: Zeke got the job based on his good looks and charisma, and nothing more. He knows as much about multimedia as Britney Spears knows about nuclear physics. Want proof? Check out the Corsair’s web site.
Victor Mason, Graphic Designer: Victor, or “Victoria” as he demands to be called, is only working at the Corsair to fund his drag queen aspirations. He uses his weekly salary to purchase outrageously expensive designer gowns and can often be found demanding make-up tips from female staff (of whom we have many, thanks to Brandi) instead of laying the paper out.
Erika Wilhite, Staff Writer: How Erika retains her job remains a mystery. She never turns her stuff in on time, and when she does turn in articles they’re always sloppy and badly written, because she knows nothing about journalism and even less about grammar. Her Spanish is better than her English (which is sad, because she can’t speak Spanish).
Yonit Shames, Opinion Editor: The Corsair only hired Yonit because it needed a token Jew to give the illusion of a diverse staff. What they don’t know is that Yonit is, in fact, a member of the Mossad (the Israeli secret service) and she’s employing her Corsair credentials to set up interviews with members of the U.S. government. She uses on the excuse that she’s a journalism student working on a story, but she’s really gathering information to send back to Israel.
Gina Nespoli, Web Manager: Gina, hah, what a joke. She got her job because the staff likes to ogle her while she runs around in her sea monster costume attacking random young men. She has no experience what-so-ever.
Melissa Brown, Staff Writer: Mel is a secret agent from the CIA who has been stationed at PJC in order to spy on the Corsair staff and the previously mentioned Yonit Shames. Brown usually spends her days inconspicuously crouched in a corner of the Corsair office taking notes and muttering into a pocket tape recorder.
Sahara Locke, Staff Writer: Sahara often instigates fights between female staff members which he then tapes and sells to web sites for exorbitant amounts of money.
Sean Drain, Staff Photographer: Sean is a quiet, sneaky individual who spends his time standing behind staff memebrs, reading over their shoulders in order to steal information. He has quite the racket going, selling term papers and other information to other students.
Michael Rutchsky, Staff Writer: Mike harbors secret aspirations to be a famous rock singer. He models himself after his idols, Trent Reznor and Davey Havok. He wears a great deal of eyeliner as well as tight leather (or pleather) pants and was recently hospitalized due to a severe eyeliner overdose.