Joi Popernack-Cowan
Published: June 20, 2006
Going to Sam’s Club to purchase various household items is usually an ordeal. You fight through crowds of people who are surely polygamists. Who else would be buying creamed corn in 50 gallon drums? But our consumerist society tells us that buying toilet paper in huge tank size cubes and dog food in bags the size of oil tankers makes you “a smart shopper” because after all, isn’t buying in bulk supposed to be the smart thing to do.
Isn’t it?
NO!
Why do you need these things in that quantity? Are the folks who quilt our toilet paper all going to die at the same time? Is the skill involved in pickling pepperoncinis going to become a lost art? Is there even the slightest chance that you will somehow never be able to find another frozen pizza?
I doubt it. And if it does, I don’t care.
All buying large quantities of product does for you is allow you to consume more and more in a more convenient fashion. Buying 6 bags of chips instead of one means that when the bag is gone instead of yelling “Who is the assshole who ate all the chips?” and then going without chips for a while you will just grab the next bag from the case and eat until your ass is roughly the size of the Dakotas.
The only thing I buy in cases is water and that is because the tap water here is utterly undrinkable. Drinking tap water will give you a most unpleasant time. (Note: that is NOT what I said…. but apparently my description of this phenomenon is far too graphic for everyday Corsair consumption.)
The problem with places like Sam’s club is that you cannot buy just one bag of chips. you have to buy two. WHY!?!? So you consume more. Buy! Buy! EAT AND GROW LARGE! Fatten your children up for the corporate machine. Why are we doing this? Do we intend to grease the wheels of the future with the lard from our asses?
The coke guzzling, cheeseburger gobbling, chain smoking, MTV mimicking, populace should really wake up and take a look at what we are doing to ourselves. Microfiber clad soccer moms mincing into oversized warehouses and purchasing truckloads of over processed, sugar loaded, starch bombs that they shove into the back of gas guzzling SUVs to take home and feed to the masses of unnecessary children they produce sicken me.
I want out. Wal-mart, drive-thru’s, Sam’s Club, Office Depot, Circuit City, Costco, strip malls, fast food – all of it.
Can’t we have the General Store back? I only want one bag of chips.