By Luke Tarnosky
A satirical story about free speech.
On May 1st, Congress passed a law that bans the use of the letter “E” inside public school systems. This includes, but is not limited to: exam questions, school names, textbook materials, job titles, lunch menus, and student names.
Because of the unexpected nature of the announcement, the public’s initial response was one of uproar…until the truth came to light. For years, the letter E has been thought of as a helpful everyman. In modern academic writing, it’s very rare to see a sentence without it. However, E’s servant-minded demeanor was all a facade, as new sources have come to light that prove that E has secretly been involved in the creation of many books that contain dangerous, rebellious, and outright anti-American themes (e.g., The Communist Manifesto, 1984, The Great Gatsby, The Very Hungry Caterpillar, etc.).
Following the government’s initial statements, Congress held a press conference to answer any of the news media’s questions. Headed by respected policymaker, educator, and US Senator Edward Green, who recently changed his name to ‘dward Grn’ in preparation for the upcoming ban, the conference only lasted 9 minutes, as Senator Grn ended the meeting early to respectfully ensure that one of his financial supporters won a bet they had made about the length of the conference.
“That symbol of communication is a thorn in our country’s back,” voiced Senator Grn during the quick conference. “It’s not just about what’s right for our country; it’s about what’s right for our kids. To think that “E” was a crucial part of our schooling curriculum until just now! It’s disgusting and unjust what instructors try to imprint upon our kids!”
According to the law, over the next few months, all textbooks, curricula, and paperwork used in the American school system will be meticulously scanned for any usage of the letter E by an expert team of monkeys with White-Out markers. Any textbooks that contain a concentration of E’s-per-character that is higher than 5% will immediately be thrown out, and new textbooks will be issued. Additionally, any teachers with the letter E in their name will be fired immediately and blacklisted from teaching jobs indefinitely.
The ban is scheduled to take effect on October 1st of this year. In preparation for the ban, please remember that anyone who is currently enrolled at a school or university is not allowed to have any books, notes, writings, or names (including nicknames) that contain the letter E. Any student found to be in possession of anything containing the letter E will be given a $1,000 fine and, if the offense is repeated, will serve jail time.
Though combing through all of your books in search of traces of E can be quite a daunting challenge, here are some creative ways to make your personal library make-over a fun and exciting experience:
- Turn books in at your local book drop-off destination. Recent legislation has promised monetary rewards to anyone who comes forward with problematic books that contain the letter E in them. If you think a few of your books may not fit within the current status quo, make sure to drop them off at your local courthouse to gain some extra cash!
- Use your books as firewood. With the current relationship Florida has had with snow in the past few years, it may be worth saving some money on firewood by using books instead! That way, you’ll stay warm on those cold, winter days while not even having to leave your house to dispose of the books. However, make sure no scraps of paper with E on them escape the flames!
- Use your books as toilet paper. After all, nobody actually reads books anymore, so that’s all they’re good for anyway!
While the ban is currently only planned in schools, universities, and other academic spaces, early support of the upcoming ban is sparking policymakers to push for expanding the ban nationwide. A bill to rename the USA to the “Unitd Stats of Amrica” was introduced to Congress on May 7th, and voting for the bill will begin shortly.
To show your support for your great country as we move through these tough times, please remember to not utilize your public library, not support local news publications and indie writers (as who knows what could be in there!), and to stay informed by purchasing a copy of Senator Grn’s latest book, Nwspak for Dummis, for every member of your household.