By Khan Spiris Lee

With every new, horrific headline on the news today there’s a question on everyone’s lips: Why is the world so terrible? Well, it certainly isn’t the decay of outdated societal structures, no. A conspiracy must be afoot.

Many see the 2016 election as the turning point for things going downhill. While they may be correct in that regard, what that doesn’t answer is why the election went the way it did.

In the early spring of 2016, the Large Hadron Collider was brought offline for two months. The cause? A weasel chewing through its wires. While this event may at first seem like just a humorous anecdote, it wouldn’t be the first attack on the LHC from the Animal Kingdom.

In early November of 2009, the Animal Kingdom sent their Air Force after the LHC. The beasts launched a baguette airstrike against the facility and managed to briefly bring it offline. Thankfully, the talented engineers at CERN were able to bring the LHC back online before the worst could happen. 

It should be no coincidence to you, reader, that 2009 was the same year as the Housing Crash. The connection between the two should be obvious to anyone paying attention.

After hearing about these cowardly attacks against this monument of human ingenuity, you may reasonably wonder why the Animal Kingdom would try to destroy it. I’ve wondered the same.

To get some answers, I aimed to get in contact with General Puffington, a veteran of the Great Avian War and the Kingdom’s Ambassador to the United States. I tried to reach him via email, phone, and even via fax. All went ignored.

In sheer desperation, I decided to wait outside the embassy until Puffington would show his beak. After two days, I saw the stout pigeon himself. Immediately I ran to him, bombarding him with questions. 

However, as I got close, Puffington simply said “Coup,” and took off for the skies. In his cunning escape, the General defecated on my head as I stood there, stunned. 

In the days since our encounter, I’ve tried to warn the governments of the United States, the European Union, and the United Nations about the general’s plot. None of them listened to my warnings. 

My only remaining hope is that you, dear reader, will listen to me.