Moria’s guide to stealing, I mean, free stuff

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Moria Dailey

Published: March 29 2006

Hello, cheap folks!  Here’s how you get out of paying for things!

You can always go the route of a friend of mine – start sobbing about how your boyfriend just left you during dinner; they’ll feel bad for you and let you go without paying.  The only problem this presents is the needing of a male to play your boyfriend and leave (preferably loudly) during dinner.  That’s kind of difficult, yes?

Well, you could always just leave without paying the bill, of course; there are legal repercussions for that, and I don’t advise it.  Anyway, if I did advise it, the PJC police would probably march right up to the Corsair office (again) and yell at me.  On the same note, you could always steal, but again with the legal repercussions; and well, I like creativity.

Here’s another trick – when you’re in the grocery store, buy two or three of one item you use a lot.  Then check out, take your bags to the car and drive home.  Unload bags, and return to the grocery store slightly irate.  Brandish your receipt and tell the customer service folks they overcharged you by scanning one item several times.  Or, you can use the self-check out thing and “accidentally” mess up the weight sensors.  When this happens, quickly throw a couple items in your bag while you wait for the clerk to come over a clear the weight error.  Make sure you do these things at a major store; cheating Mom-and-Pop places just isn’t cool, guys!

There is, of course, always the mom card.  Call Mom, Dad, Aunt, Uncle, etc and cry on the telephone you’re absolutely starving and college is expensive and my job sucks and I’M DYING FEED ME! And mostly likely, they will.  They love you (sometimes) and they don’t want you to die; also they understand your job sucks.  Mine does, too; only not really, because if I said that, they might fire me.  I am but a peon.  You can also use the mom card for things such as clothing, household supplies and books.  They want you to be not naked, clean and educated.  That way you get off their back about needing money!  And hey, that idea isn’t illegal, and I’m not (really) advocating illegality.