Published: March 29, 2006
Everyone knows those students: the ones who just seem a little off-center. They’re usually labeled “naturally neurotic” and others try to avoid any long stares. But as recent research has proved, most of these students are actually suffering from a variety of college induced disorders.
Governor Freud of Area 51, said, “These disorders are usually very traumatic to the students,” and therefore the government has started offering financial aid to those students.
Students who suffer from Bi-Major Disorder are usually characterized by their constant changing of majors. One week it’s criminal justice; the next it’s theatre. It seems that these students have difficulty in finding and following through on just one major. These students are usually awarded up to $5,000.
Then there is Schizophilosophy Disorder. These students are constantly plagued by the voices of various philosophers. They are usually awarded up to $8,000. The application process can be very intricate at times. Those who qualify should listen to the voices of Plato and Socrates for instructions on filling out the forms, and then listen to the voice of Aristotle or Kant for the appropriate office to return the forms. Any questions regarding the process should be directed to the voice of Kant.
There are some students who constantly find themselves glued to the computers. They feel that they simply must be attached to a computer at all times. These students are suffering from Obsessive Computing Disorder. Suffering student David Smith said, “Those pixilated images just constantly call my name.”
These students are awarded a personal computer and usually receive an additional $2000.
Then there are those students who think that, despite their lack of attendance to class, their inability to complete homework, or their constant antics in class, they will, regardless, receive an “A.” These students are Delusigradeinol. They usually receive $1,000 per semester.
Students who suffer from PJC Separation Anxiety are usually characterized by their aimless meandering from class to class year after year. They usually spend a minimum of five years at PJC. Students are awarded anywhere from $1,000-$2,000 per semester.
Then there are the Hyposchoolandriacs. They are usually awarded $5,000. They claim that by attending class they suffer from side effects such as cancer, emphysema, high blood pressure, blood clots, dizziness, heart attack, brain tumors, limb numbness, deep vein thrombosis, high risk of carnival-like birth defects, cannibalism, sexual side effects, paralysis and spontaneous combustion.
Some students are constantly plagued by the fear that their work is being copied by other students and recorded by their instructors to later be sent of to top secret government agencies for their later inevitable demise. They are usually awarded $7,000. For those afflicted, the scholarship committees know where you are; they will find you.
There is also a relatively new disorder that is sweeping the nation: MySpaceaholism. Usually characterized by students whose personal and student lives suffer due to the over use of Internet blogging, and reading others blogs. Student affairs is currently offering referrals to treatment facilities for those who think that they might have a problem. Scholarships range between $12,000-$15,000 for those who have abstained from all use of MySpace.