Published: November 9, 2005
Let’s talk about something besides domesticity, video games, and insomnia.
I have recently become a pirate. I formed a small crew and declared my tiny apartment balcony the ship, and then upgraded it to the entire apartment complex, for we were so fearsome. We call ourselves the BOOB PIRATES. You know. Because we’re all girls. I captained twice in a pool (drunk) and four more times on the PJC campus (slightly less drunk).
I have always wanted to be a pirate. It’s all AAARGH this and YAAARGH MATEY that. Plus you get to brandish swords and I think it’s called swashbuckling. I have never heard a word that cool. SWASHBUCKLING. Husband thought it would be a good idea to join my crew, but he tried to take it over, and I was forced to throw my pirate grog (beer) at him.
After several unsuccessful attempts at not drowning, I finally put him in charge of rescuing his idiot wife from chlorine-drenched waters.
These days, I’m still practicing. I practice in the shower, I practice while watching TV, I even practice while eating dinner. I make sure to yell stuff like “AVAST!” and “SWAB THE POOP DECK!” because it is damn funny. I even made up rules for being the best pirate ever.
1.) Build or find ship. There are ships in the ocean, or you can sail around in a cardboard box with rollerskates tied to the bottom.
2.) Forage for liquor. No good pirate is ever without her beer.
3.) Pillage pirate clothing. Disregard pirate cliches such as eyepatches, peg legs, and artificial parrots. Wear a mask instead.
4.) Ripped pants. Why? Because they look cool. These are my rules, shut up.
5.) If you’re the captain, find yourself a fine hat. Any hat will do, as long as it is not a crocodile hat. Pirates are not fans of these creatures.
6.) A plank. Should you need to rid yourself of annoying crew members or hostages that have served their purpose, they’ll need to walk the plank. Tie some sticks together or steal a board from your neighbor’s garage.
7.) Give yourself and your crew an awesome name. Examples: The angry emo pirates, The “I own an XBOX” pirates, The sassy chicken pirates, etc.
8.) Eat only meat.
9.) Find a cannon. If cannons are scarce, make one out of an empty toilet paper roll and an egg.
10.) Finally, sail around and start capturing landlubbers. Nobody likes those guys.
If you follow my instructions carefully, you’ll become a full-fledged pirate within 7 to 10 working days. You will receive your pirate diploma from me, a fine conversation piece that was made with a green crayon and half a napkin. If by 10 days you are, for some reason, not a pirate, do not come crying for refunds. All of your hard-earned money is mine.
With that, I bid you adieu. Ooh.. that’s not very pirate-like, is it?
Okay then.
YARGH.
