By Michael Rutschky
Published on February 13, 2008
So, I’ve decided to take a break from politics for at least a column or two because I feel like I’m getting too caught up in it. I’ve always been put off by seeing other people get so enveloped in their own beliefs and perspectives that they shut out every other possible perspective, and I felt like I was going in that direction. It’s that kind of single-mindedness that causes all of the problems in our society that my own single-mindedness was meant to be crusading against, so really I’m just adding to the problem by being that way. So I’m taking a break to explore other things. Typically I’d use this opportunity to talk about nerd stuff, like what comics I’m reading or how my blog is doing (it would be better if you were there, wink, wink). However, this column is nerd talk like no other; this column is the mother of all freaking nerd talk.
Lately there have been some strange video postings on YouTube from a group of super-hackers called Anonymous (pretty clever name) declaring a war with The Church of Scientology. At first I thought that this was completely outrageous; why bother putting an end to the Church of Scientology when there are so many more immediate causes to consider? I mean I went inside the Founding Church of Scientology during my last trip to D.C., and although the people there all gave off the creepiest vibes I’ve ever gotten in my life (you can read about it on my blog), why should an organization that seems to be no more than a glorified cult be worth going to war over? And how could these kids hope to humiliate Scientology worse than the cuckoo public antics of Scientology poster-boy Tom Cruise and certain recent episodes of South Park?
I’m assuming most of us have seen the South Park episodes in question, but if not, let me fill you in. The Church of Scientology was founded by L. Ron Hubbard, a 1950’s science-fiction writer and a convicted fraud. Members of Scientology pay several thousands of dollars in order to ascend the levels of what appears to be an elaborate self-help discipline. Once members get to a certain point in the organization (and pay adequate funds) they are granted access into the upper levels of the religion, beginning with what Hubbard called a “Wall of Fire,” indoctrination into the truth about reality according to the writer. They are told a story about an alien genocide that happened in our galactic neighborhood several million years ago at the hands of the evil Prince Xenu.
Xenu took millions upon millions of alien beings hostage and dumped them into the volcanoes of Earth where they were blown up by H-bombs. The souls of said aliens were then rounded up and brainwashed in movie theatres that fooled them into believing in Christ, Buddha, Mohammed, etc. These poor unfortunate souls were then left to roam the planet, eventually flying into the bodies of Homo sapiens and thus causing all of the world’s strife. Hubbard said that members could only move on after this point if they were convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that this story was not just a belief, but absolute science-fact. Anything less meant the member would have to start from scratch and redo his or her previous levels (cha-ching!). For what it cost the Church to exorcise just one of these alien spirits (or Thetans) from your body, the Church should earn a total of about $2.2 quadrillion by the time they’ve gotten rid of them all. It sounds ludicrous, but if celebrities like Tom Cruise (who is at the second highest possible level in the practice) want to believe this, then fine, let them. To each his own, right?
But after seeing what Anonymous and other critics of the Church have unearthed about the organization, the seemingly silly cult begins to look more like the ingenious extortion racket of a Sci-Fi Mafia. According to videos on YouTube, The Church is allegedly tied to the suspicious deaths of people hounding the organization to refund their money, as well as cases of people killing themselves or murdering others because the Church opposes psychiatric treatment for members who are mentally ill, and cases of negligent homicide resulting from the Church refusing to bring sick members to a proper medical facility. All of these legal entanglements are skillfully avoided by the amazing legal defense team that the Church has on its payroll, and their celebrity recruitment campaign keeps it looking at least a little bit respectful in the public eye. See, this is what Charlie Manson didn’t get. How do you make a cult successful in the 20th century? The freaking media, duh! Hide in plain sight!
There are also other shady dealings that critics of Scientology have brought to light, including the Church being caught infiltrating the IRS and other levels of Government, and Hubbard’s mafia-esque instructions on how to properly silence journalists and others who openly criticize the Church’s dealings (eek!). This is probably a good time for me to tell you that what I’m writing here is nothing more than coverage of a recent media event, and I’m leaving you to draw your own conclusions from the information that I’m providing. I obviously have no connections to Anonymous or I would probably be writing this, well, anonymously. Oh, and Battlefield: Earth was a terrific movie, I promise.
So now it’s all out War between the super-hackers and the space mafia, with the battlefield being “teh internets.” This is interesting because I can’t think of a time before this where a war has actually been fought over the web. Perhaps there will be more Web Wars to come (God, let’s hope not; that would get really old, really fast). However, the sheer madness of it all is way more entertaining than any science-fiction story that you could ever hope to read. Anonymous has already hacked and shut down the Church’s websites, and is supposed to have something big planned for February 10, including a mass-protest outside of all the Scientology churches around the globe, so be sure to keep an eye on YouTube. I’m really interested in seeing how this turns out.
UPDATE: Judging by the pictures and videos that have turned up on the internet in the last few weeks, the February 10 protests seem to have been a resounding success. A quick search on Flickr will turn up scores of pictures of the many thousands of masked protesters that hit the streets around the world on that day. Anonymous is planning the next protest to be on Hubbard’s birthday, March 15, if anyone’s interested.
